A few postpartum truths…
Reuben is two years old now and I have never really spoken about my post-birth experience. I feel like a lot of people (like myself!) don’t talk about a lot of the realities behind childbirth. Sure you hear of women often speaking about their traumatic births, or their wonderful births, but what about afterwards? It’s not always a bubble of content with your fresh-out-the-womb bundle of joy, despite the fact that we wish it was.
A traumatic birth doesn’t just include the gory bits.
Traumatic births are different for every woman, there isn’t a measure on it. Mine probably sounds like nothing to some women who’ve been through so much more – but for me it was quite the scary experience. I had a vaginal birth but Ru got stuck, I was prepped and wheeled into surgery with the forceps out and surrounded by a whole lot of people ready to give me an emergency c-section. Whilst I ended up being able to push him out in the end (with some assistance via a snip) the whole birth experience was still super scary for me. My actual birth experience wasn’t even the most traumatising part for me either, but it was the weeks that followed. I barely remember Reubens newborn days. I don’t feel like I have anywhere as near as many photos and videos as I want of his early days, simply because I was just getting through each day, one at a time.
The recovery from my episiotomy was really really difficult, and to top it off, at 6 days postpartum I got sepsis and spent a week in hospital. Most of what I can remember from Ru’s first couple of months in this world is just pain. I try not to feel guilty about the lack of pictures, as it’s not like I don’t have any, but I find it quite painful to think about.
Some of us suffer in silence.
I think the trauma post-birth actually affected me far more than anyone realised. I didn’t eat properly for about 4 months after having Reuben. During this time I was living at home so my parents would kindly make me some tea every night and that was the only meal I ate. If it wasn’t for them I probably wouldn’t have eaten a single thing. I completely lost my appetite and I couldn’t really understand why? It wasn’t even that I was just too busy to eat as a single mum to a newborn baby, I just didn’t want to. I thought there was something wrong with me and in the end it just became my normality to barely eat. I was suffering with postpartum depression in silence and nobody around me realised. I didn’t even realise myself until over two years later.
Not every woman loses their body confidence.
I wouldn’t say I was entirely happy with my body. I still have a bit of a jelly belly from being pregnant and I definitely still have baby weight to lose, but I felt so ugly after having Ru. What I can say is though, is that it hasn’t really phased me in the slightest. I don’t care about my body in the way that I used to. If anything, since having a baby I have gained confidence in my body, not lost it. I used to avoid certain clothes if they showed my curvy bits, now I just wear them anyway. I’m not in love with my body but I’m content with it. I’ve learned to accept that this is what I look like after having a baby. I have all the time in the world to get fitter when Ru is older, and if it takes me a bit longer to lose the extra weight I’m okay with that. I don’t have to love my body but I’ve learned to accept it.
There’s too much pressure to recover quickly.
I was out and about quite quickly after having Reuben, I had this four day old newborn and he had a bit of jaundice and needed sun on his face. We went out for a walk into town to get out the house and I could barely walk because of my stitches. Two days after that I developed sepsis and ended up in hospital for a week hooked up to multiple drips. The recovery from birth should be a slow and steady process, it shouldn’t be rushed, and there needs to be far more awareness about the risk of postpartum infections too. I had no idea what was wrong with me until I googled it and saw the warning signs.
You’ll figure it all out eventually.
Motherhood is really hard, especially for the first time. It takes time to figure out what works for you and your baby, and there are so many things you’ll do with your first that you won’t bother doing with your second.
Have you had a baby and not spoken about a lot of the postpartum period?
