*trigger warning
Miscarriage...
It's taken me a long time to write this post, honestly, it's a topic that before last September, I never thought I'd be writing about. Throughout my adult years, I've seen people on social media opening up about baby loss and miscarriage, but until it happens to you, you really don't think it will happen to you.
If you follow me on Instagram, then last September you may remember that I opened up about my miscarriage and shared that Jake and I had lost a baby. It was an early loss, and I've mentioned many times how grateful I am for that. I know that some women go through losses much, much further along, have to have medical intervention and often lose half or fully grown babies. I can't even imagine how painful that would be, however, any loss no matter how early is gut wrenching.
It was unexpected, as soon as I saw those two lines on a pregnancy test, there was a baby inside me and Jake and I were planning our entire future. It wasn't just a bunch of cells inside me, those two lines meant my body was producing the pregnancy hormone and there was a baby growing. But then not long after, despite the fact that it felt like a lifetime, I started bleeding and lost it. One of the worst things about it was the fact that I rang 111 (it happened on a Saturday) and after speaking to a doctor, I was told there was nothing they could do and just left to get on with it at home. I realise there really is nothing anyone can do, but to be just left at home to get on with it yourself seems a bit insensitive. It was really tough on the both of us.
Pregnancy after loss...
Less than 4 weeks after the loss, I felt all the symptoms of what I believed to be my period. The reality is that most of them were the exact symptoms I'd had when pregnant but my head just told me that it was my period coming. I felt so down about it all as it was just another reminder that I wasn't pregnant (when in fact I actually was). I'm still not sure to this day what told me to take a pregnancy test, but I decided to take one and saw two very positive lines. I knew it was a pregnancy because I had tested out the miscarriage until nothing showed up on a test. I rang Jake at work, panicking, and not wanting either of us to get our hopes up. We decided to take things one day at a time. You're supposed to be so happy and excited when you get a positive pregnancy test, but the reality after a loss is, that's the last thing that you want to do. We were both a bit shook by it though if anything, all we wanted at that point was to have a baby together, but neither of us thought that it would happen that soon.
After I'd found out I was pregnant the month before, I'd downloaded all the pregnancy apps, estimated my due date and all the things you do when you're excited about your new pregnancy. I didn't do any of that this time. I didn't even want to know what my due date was, I didn't want to get my hopes up. Every cramp and twinge sent my anxiety spiralling, every trip to the toilet I was checking for blood. This went on for weeks. And weeks. I had some dark brown discharge (which I'd had with the previous pregnancy too) and my heart sank, waiting for the bright red blood to come just like before. It didn't this time, but the not knowing what's to come was a killer.
I didn't even want to think 'baby' - I didn't want to get too attached or fall in love with it just for it to be taken away again. It was impossible not to think about, especially with all of the pregnancy symptoms, but I really didn't want to and tried to do everything possible to take my mind off it.
Coping with the anxiety...
Nothing really makes coping with pregnancy after loss easier, but to this date, we have had 6 ultrasound scans and they have really helped me get by. Particularly during the first trimester when you're at the highest risk of miscarriage. A few of mine were up at the early pregnancy unit after I'd rang my GP with cramping/bleeding/anything else that concerned me. I really recommend contacting your GP if you are worried about anything because these scans were so reassuring which is what I really needed at the time. They had to rule out things like an ectopic pregnancy as well as miscarriage, so that was a relief to know that neither of those were happening, but also it was so reassuring being able to see a little baby safe and sound inside my tummy. We also paid for a private scan at about 8 weeks. After those early pregnancy scans, we had the usual routine 12 week scan, where they check everything is going well, but the early scans really help you get through the weeks up until that point.
We then had another private scan at 16 weeks, mainly to find out the gender, but again, it was reassuring to see the heartbeat and see that baby boy was nice and healthy. And then our most recent scan was our routine 20 week scan last week where they thoroughly checked that baby boy was all healthy and everything was growing as it should be. That one is super thorough, so the anxiety has calmed down so much now. I don't think pregnancy after loss will ever get easier, and until he is here in my arms, I'll still often get anxious, but to get to this point feels like such a big milestone. I don't feel like I need tons of scans now, mainly because I've been able to feel him since 16 weeks, so that reassures me that he's okay rather than the first trimester where you're just sitting in the unknown, having no idea if the baby is okay or not.
One of the things that I've recently realised myself also, is that you can never be too careful. The midwife that I saw last week after my 20 week scan told me to call over any twinges, pain, bleeding, reduced movement - anything. I've often felt like I'm overreacting over things like reduced movement as I wasn't sure if it was more my anxiety due to the previous loss, or if it was actually a concern. But it's reassuring to know that they are there for you every step of the way, and that any time you need to be checked, they're happy to do so.
Miscarriage isn't spoken about nearly enough. Until I spoke about mine, I had no idea how common it really was. It's up to you if you want to openly speak about it or not, it really is a personal choice and not something that should ever be forced. However, I hope that if you have experienced baby loss, or you are currently pregnant after a loss, then please know that you are not alone. It's a club that none of us want to be a part of, but you are not alone. ♥
